Shyness is a social affliction. It’s a fear of mixing with others. Shy people & unhappy people have one thing in common: they mainly focus upon themselves. But self-focus comes from insecurity & kills interaction. The greatest feelings of self-worth come from our positive effect on others. It has been shown that low self-esteem goes hand-in-hand with individual persons who put too much attention inward. Confidence comes by doing something daily that focuses on someone, or something, else in a positive way. My hero Denzel Washington once said in a film, ‘A person wrapped up in himself makes a very small package!’ Indeed.

I often wonder why anyone would boast about being shy, because shyness is a focus upon fear & the self which increases the inability to engage another person in basic interaction. When you’re in a situation where you’re meeting new people & interacting with others you immediately become less nervous. Life only works reciprocally. If we merely expect from others we tend to get very little until we begin to give too. Many people who have not learned how to share find this giving hard & simply wait with open hands to receive. Yet it’s very clear that the people who give the most tend to receive in abundance. When we focus upon ourself, there is a limited field of vision which obscures the whole picture & gives us just one narrow view of the world ? ours. Right. We always expect something from others emotionally, yet are unprepared to give much back.

A shy person worries constantly about the REACTION of others & what they might think; whether they’re WORTHY enough in that situation & how they will be TREATED because of their low self-esteem. Being so focused upon themself & their perceived treatment, they have little to give to others, which keeps the shy one in the same situation ? being sidelined, alone & feeling excluded.

There are 6 main ways to overcome shyness, listed in order of importance:

1. Be proud of yourself & appreciate who you are, regardless of your ‘faults’. You can not actually be acceptable to others if you reject yourself. How can they affirm what you yourself dislike & reject? If you learn to accept your faults as well as your strengths, to cut yourself some slack, others will too. If you have to change yourself in any way for the potential date, that is the worst start to a relationship. You’ll always be trying to please & feel inadequate for it.

2. Shift the focus from yourself & push it outwards. When you shift your focus, you learn to relax more. Everything doesn’t appear to be such a big deal. Relaxing comes through many forms: making a phone call to some one for an easy chat ? they might be so grateful for your contact; going for a walk; listening to your favourite music; doing some puzzles; talking on line to someone; sending a simple email to that valued person; reading a book and, above all, accepting everything that is happening at that moment instead of getting stressed about it or trying to control it.

3. Ask as many questions as possible. It does not matter how hard this is, learn to ask questions, especially with a potential date. Any question is indicative of curiosity & is a doorway to dialogue & interaction. It doesn’t matter how simple & trivial the first question is, that is vital to open that door & it shows your interest, making you seem less one-dimensional & more engaging.

4. Do not always wait for others to act, chances are they’re shy too! Pluck up the courage to make the first move sometimes. If you do not attempt to engage the people you’re interested in they will never know your feelings & others will beat you to it… Belief & desire need courage & conviction around them to get the required results.

5. Join in activities, like a local activity club, dating club, or becoming a volunteer. These are the surest ways of boosting your self-esteem & getting that date as you get rid of the focus from yourself & give the attention to others to reinforce them. You’ll feel wonderful seeing the end results of your actions & the difference you are making to others. Most important, people will suddenly want to know you because they feel valued!

6. Begin to appreciate your world & what you have today & see the difference as your life changes in front of you… Do not take life for granted & the blessings you have. Stop & smell the roses so that you too can smell much sweeter!

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah -http://www.ecademy.com/user/elainesihera & http://www.myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor & lifestyle columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU & a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru & a Personal Empowerment, Relationships & Diversity Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise & Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards & the Windrush Men & Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, “Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty & Ready to Fly!”