Introduction

One of the developmental tasks of all adolescents is to establish productive relationships with their peer group & to understand & manage their sexuality. Dating gives fertile training ground for these teens for learning about themselves & how to establish & maintain healthy intimate relationships as they continue to mature & grow. Due to growing up in a homophobic society, most gay men as teenagers had to keep their sexualities hidden for fear of social backlash & further damage to their already shaky self-images. Some boys chose to distance themselves completely from dating, while others chose to date their female peers to more easily “fit in” & be accepted. For some, there was no other choice for them but to date girls, while for others it was an attempt to extinguish their feelings they had for males. Very few gay men had the luxury of being able to openly date other gay males as teenagers & to live authentically. Fortunately, today’s generation of gay youth are experiencing slightly more liberal attitudes & acceptance from their peer group about being gay, but there’s still a long way to go. As a result, many gay men as adults remain perplexed & confused about how to date other men. Without training, education, & support, many gay men are forced to “wing it” as they mingle & mate with other men, leaving many of them unsatisfied with their dating experiences & wondering if they will ever find a loving partner to settle down with.

What follows is a tips list of things for gay men to keep in mind as they go about meeting other men in pursuit of their Mr. Right. Add your own to the list & keep it handy as a quick-reference guide as you embark upon your dating adventures to promote greater success in your romantic life.

Dating Success Tips

1. Live your life to the max! Creating a full life puts you in charge of your own happiness & puts less emphasis & dependency on finding a relationship to make you whole. You must be whole as a person first before a healthy relationship can be cultivated. By developing yourself, those internal feelings of zest & fulfillment will show on the outside as well. Very attractive indeed!

2. Know who you are, what your needs & values are, & what you stand for. This will take you far as you delve through the dating world. Having a clear vision & purpose will help to keep you centered & grounded on your quest.

3. Examine your relationship history & determine what behaviors worked for you & which ones didn’t. Identify the obstacles that stop you from engaging in the kinds of relationships that you want.

4. Do not confuse chemistry with compatibility. While that ‘chemical spark’ is important, a person’s enduring qualities are what really help to lay the foundation for potential long-term relationship success.

5. Determine if you’re really ready for a relationship & assess your true motives. One of the biggest relationship ‘sabotagers’ isn’t being able to be fully present, being distracted by other needs or issues, & having other priorities that compete with the relationship. Determine if you’re ‘dateable’ & develop goals to achieve true relationship readiness. Develop your self-esteem & create a vision for how you had like your life to be.

6. Do not stay in a dating relationship that is not working just for the sake of staving off loneliness or fearing hurting the other’s feelings. There is more. This only robs both of you of precious time that could be better served improving your quality of life in new directions. Learn to be assertive & direct with your needs & feelings.

7. Do not bail out of a dating relationship at the first sign of trouble. Relationships take hard work & conflict is actually a necessary precursor to deeper connection & intimacy. Assess what’s missing & what the barriers are & determine if negotiation is possible. There can be no growth without healthy conflict; how ever, know the difference between that & when the relationship really is not a ‘goodness of fit.’

8. Be proactive in getting what you want & take responsibility for what happens. Conquer your anxieties about taking initiative. Do not stand on the sidelines hoping some one will make contact with you… Make that move yourself & select to approach some one if you are interested. Internalize the mantra: NO MORE MISSED OPPORTUNITIES!

9. Face your fears of rejection directly. A turn-down for a date has nothing to do with you as a person; it has everything to do with the other person’s projections & needs. Know that you’re worthy & deserving.

10. Build your support network. Surround yourself with positive people who will affirm you & support you… Family & friends provide a much needed source of connection, love, & fun that can truly enhance your life as a single gay man.

11. Be careful of casual sexual encounters if your goal is to meet a prospective life partner. Typically sexual release is the primary aim of such encounters, which can confuse & disillusion you to the type of men available, believing that gay men only want sex & nothing more significant or with depth. Put yourself in situations where you’re more likely to meet men with similar goals & if you select to ‘play along the way,’ always practice responsible safe sex.

?2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are now ready to create a roadmap that will lead them to find & build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating & relationship tips & skills for gay singles & couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, teleclasses, & the self-help book he co-authored, “A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion,” please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com Thank you!