Here are four common reasons that marriage counseling often fails.

  1. People, even counselors, feel both spouses MUST attend. I once saw a counselor & explained to her that despite horrible arguments, my husband refused to see a counselor. “Well,” she said. “You just need to say that this is something very important to you… He has a problem managing his anger & if he cares about you, he will do this for you… Frankly, if he is not willing to do something so important to you, then is this really a relationship that you want to be in?” Bad Advice! Several years later I dragged my husband (yes, same husband) to a counselor. He basically went, because I “made him” & sat hostile & sullen through a not-surprisingly unproductive counseling session. I realized he had a enormous vested interest in showing me that counseling would not help. All I had done by coercing him into going was extend the power struggle into another area of our life. Counseling or books about marriage need only one spouse who is interested in changing their marriage to work.
  2. People only attempt one counselor. I had a very good friend who explained that when you’re choosing a counselor, you’re hiring someone. An effective hiring process would include getting recommendations & choosing two or three that you considered strong candidates. There is more. Then you would interview each of them. He suggested that I select at least two counselors & see each for at least one session before deciding who I wanted to see. This is great advice & is true whether you’re seeing a counselor for marriage problems, problems with your children, depression, etc.

    If your spouse isn’t interested in participating in counseling & your primary goal for counseling is improving your marriage, discuss this with the counselor before the first appointment & ask whether they feel they can assist you with that situation.

  3. People give up on their marriage too easily. If your physical health were at stake, would you only seek information about a life-threatening illness from one source? Would you say “I went to the doctor & he had me undergo radiation, but that did not help. Now he wants me to go through chemo, but frankly, I do not think the guy knows what he’s doing.” But for some reason people consider it reasonable to say “We saw a marriage counselor & it did not help. So I am moving out.”
  4. Many marriage therapists are general therapists who also treat couples. There is more. Their training is often geared to maximizing individual’s happiness & while occasionally that is enough to improve a marriage, there’re also situations where this isn’t enough to save the marriage.

How to Avoid These Pitfalls Your relationship has problems & you want to get some help improving it either by seeing a counselor or reading a book. Tell your spouse that you want to work on your marriage, that you care about them & wish you both were happier. Encourage them to participate with you in working on the problems in your marriage. BUT, if they decline your invitation, do not hesitate. Get help yourself. The idea :idea: that both partners must seek marital advice together is wrong, wrong, wrong. I have written brief reviews of three books that I have personally found helpful. All three authors will attest & have many success stories which illustrate that one spouse can change the situation no matter how disinterested the other spouse might seem. Shop around for marital advice. Being happily married is usually a learned skill. Sure a few people have the gift naturally with no formal training. But then there’re the rest of us. If you wanted to learn to play tennis, you might get a set of lessons, then practice what you learned. If at some particular point in the future you were still dissatisfied with your ability to play tennis, you probably would not curse that those previous tennis lessons were a waste of money & quit playing forever. If you still loved the game, hopefully you would instead evaluate whether the same instructor or another could help you the most & get some more lessons. Good luck on your search for marriage advice. Know that you are not alone in your frustration & you do not need to feel helpless & without ideas. You are to be commended for making the effort. May a lasting meaningful relationship be your reward.

Note from me (Jan Nelson). I am a stay-at-home working mother of three kids. While I’ve my personal recommendations for where to get marriage advice, I urge anyone with a troubled marriage to search for the best advice, not just the first they receive.