In a previous edition, we discussed how to screen pictures people post in on line dating profiles. This time, we’re going to talk about how to crack the code’ with regard to what people are actually saying in the “narrative” portion.

There are two ways to look at this.. First, is the “explicit” side of what a person is communicating. Second, logically, is the “implicit” side. Here we go.

By “explicit”, we’re referring to what some one is objectively, really saying in his/her own words. There’re some concrete indicators you can look for:

“No games.” Essentially, the person who says this has been “played” a lot & is utterly sick of being toyed with, lied to, etc. Unfortunately, a lot of that goes on, so a line like this is found in at least ½ of the profiles I have read. Such a person is really saying that s/he wants a steady relationship not ‘serial dating’.

“I have no idea :idea: what to write.” Do not count on a particularly creative person behind this kind of talk. S/he might not have any idea :idea: what to say on a date either.

“I do not think this is going to work, but I am trying anyway.” This can characterize either bad :cry: experiences dating in general, or a poor self esteem. Plan on having to overcome these hurdles when & if you meet.

“If ___, then do not bother.” Generally, I had say if you see this line in a profile?don’t. Whether you fit the description or not. Bad attitudes abound.

“Read my profile completely before responding.” Make sure you do. There’s going to be some sort of limiting factor in there somewhere. This could be about either who s/he is OR who s/he’s looking for. If some one is going to be ultra-specific about who s/he is looking for, it might be signaled as such.

“I’m just searching for fun, nothing serious.” This might be easily able to be taken at face value, or you might just be dealing with a very careful person. “Friends first” is another, & probably clearer way to communicate this.

“I’ll attempt anything once, & am open to anything.” Men read this & think, “sex”. A woman might not mean that… Handle such apparent subliminal references to wanting a purely sexual relationship with care. If a guy is implying this, well you can pretty much know what you’re dealing with. However – guys are particularly prone to reading too much into what a woman writes in these cases. I do not know how many times I have heard about women having been disgusted by blatant propositions in first emails, only to realize that there is something in her own words that was inviting them.

The “Implicit” side involves the bigger picture as to what a person is communicating about him/herself through what s/he writes. Examples are as follows:

Negativity. If some one is continuously talking about dislikes, pet peeves, etc., you can count on meeting some one who is a complainer in real life. Bummer.

Pickiness. This is characterized by the phrase “I want”. Pay attention to how realistic the wants & needs are, & how forcefully they’re communicated. This can be a good thing, demonstrating the person has high standards and/or a solid self-esteem. Then again, if it is an esoteric list you could be dealing with some one who is never going to be satisfied.

Low Self-Esteem. An on line profile is no place to feel sorry for oneself. If such is being communicated with a person’s first impression, take that as a warning sign that you’re potentially dealing with an emotionally damaged person.

Poor Spelling/Grammar. A lot of smart people talk about how this is an immediate deal breaker when sorting through on line profiles. Be careful here. Some people may not actually be “right-brained” (i.e. artistic/linguistic) but in actual fact are brilliant on the “left-brained” (i.e. conceptual/analytical front. If some one misspells a word or two, read between the lines for greater depth & you could be reading about some one who compliments a “right-brainer’s” intelligence.

Length Of Narrative. If some one uses up every single character of the max amount of space allowed, s/he will likely be a “talker” in real life. No doubt, having kissed the Blarney stone is a help-ful trait to have when building an on line profile. Keep in mind, how ever, that a brief profile narrative can mean many things. Sure, the person may not have much to say in real life. However – a terse profile can also mean that the person just flat-out is not putting a lot of effort into the profile due to a “wait & see” attitude?which is not something to place a value judgment on, especially if the person just posted a profile for the first time ever. Or, the writer of a brief profile may just be A LOT more intuitive than “talker” types. Most of us have a short attention span and/or get intimidated when confronted with a profile that takes ten minutes to read. Hmmm?.there’s wisdom there.

Dependence Upon One’s Looks Alone. The flip side of the last item, how ever, is when some one (particularly a woman) considers the narrative a “throwaway”, saying virtually nothing & therefore indicating that pictures alone should compel you to write. This is a dead giveaway that you’re dealing with some one who hasn’t realized that “The Storybook” takes two people to write effectively. See what I mean?

Inconsistency. If the person is making statements that blatantly contradict one another, you can infer many potential pitfalls. First, you may be reading about a blatant liar?and a bad :cry: one at that… Or, this person may just not have a clear picture of who s/he is looking for. It could also be that such a person is confused about his/her own identity. Watch out.

Manipulation. It’s surprising :o to some degree how easy it’s to spell out M-A-N-I-P-U-L-A-T-O-R when reading an on line profile. Watch for clear double-standards. An example would be, “I demand a monogamous relationship & will not tolerate flirting”, followed elsewhere by, “My match must be okay with the fact that I’ve same-sex friends & not get jealous.” You get the idea.

Listing Possessions And Accomplishments. This person may be somewhat shallow, or more likely is covering for the fact that he/she isn’t so interesting to get to know apart from all the outward stuff. Men in particular are infamous for this sort of verbiage. And women can see right through it for the most part.

Sense of Humor. Are you laughing? You would in real life also, probably. Good sign.

Creativity. This is an excellent sign of a person who would be fun to hang out with. It is a valid idea :idea: to consider if the person’s creative style is along the lines of what your personality can relate to.

Smart Remarks. Read for the deeper attitude. If the person is openly cynical, that is one thing, but some one who is “challenging” can be a lot of fun if you’re up for it.

There are other more general principles that come alive when considering an on line profile as a whole.

First of all, when listing those “statistics” regarding what the person is looking for, men tend to keep the range broader on paper & are pickier in reality. For women, it appears to often be the exact opposite. Women will post stricter guidelines, but usually will be more flexible when some one particularly interesting comes along. With that in mind guys, do not let her laundry list of desired traits deter you necessarily. And ladies, realize that most guys who have been on line for a while know this fact, so if (for example) you do not want guys a few years older than your posted range contacting you, make certain you’re specific in your profile as demonstrated above.

Second, pay careful attention to those items that are decided simply by checking a box. Some of these are broad enough that it may seem you’ll be a good match with someone, when in reality you could not actually be more different. Ask about these things early when getting to know some one if there is any doubt. On Match.com members can select “turn ons” & “turn offs”, which is a particularly rich opportunity to learn about a person. A particular example is “skinny dipping”. When something as inherently hot as that is checked as a “turn off”, it likely signals body-image issues. If some one doesn’t want to bring sexuality into the picture just yet, s/he will just not check that box at all–either way. By applying this sort of logic, you can learn much based closely on what else the person checked.

I’m out of room, but most of the more important areas have been covered. Keeping these points in mind will help any on line dater to go from novice to expert in record time.

Scot McKay’s dating strategies for all those who refuse to settle for anything less than the ULTIMATE relationship are found at: http://www.relationship-advice.us/. Stop by right now & grab a FREE e-book ($20 value) when you sign up for the X & Y Communications Newsletter, which is always packed with completely unique & practical dating tips.