Relationships, Romance and Dating
Am I wrong to ask my husband to go to marriage counseling?
He says he doesn’t believe in marriage counseling, so he won’t go. He said it’s “out of the question”! When I suggested private counseling for myself, he said “that’s for crazy people and I don’t want to be married to a crazy woman”. I’ve changed as a person in the respect that I’m sort of rediscovering myself. He hates it and wants me to revert to the way I used to be. I don’t want to. Am I being selfish? Was I wrong to ask him to consider counseling?
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about 1 year ago
if marriage counseling is something that you feel with help the marriage..then totally. Counseling gives you both the time separately and together to talk to someone else about the problems. Its better to talk to a professional then to talk to one of your friends about some issues because friends usually take sides. You can take friendly and get good advice.
It’s better to go to a professional then to let it sit and ruin the marriage. Better to start early.
about 1 year ago
Yes. He married a woman that you aren’t anymore. You shouldn’t have married until you rediscovered yourself. Now you”re screwing up his life. Yes you are being very selfish.
about 1 year ago
I can see his point. You have changed as a person, into someone different than the person he married. What is the plan now? Convert him into someone acceptable to you?
about 1 year ago
It sounds like your marriage is in trouble. Does he know this? And if he does, then why would he not want to go to marriage counseling? It is not a matter of being crazy, but talking to a neutral party about working out differences. If he does not want to go, I would question whether it was important to him to keep his marriage.
about 1 year ago
No your not being selfish your being open minded. You have changed so your looking to change some things for the best.Men love control, so I don’t know if it has something to do with him not wanting advice from a stranger on how to help the marriage prosper or because he thinks he has everything under control, but he should not stop you from getting individual counseling if that’s what you want.
about 1 year ago
I think you are being open and honest with him. If he doesn’t like the new you,tough…You seem to be giving him every opportunity to get to know the new you. If he can’t deal with you perhaps the next step is a trial separation. Good luck to you.
about 1 year ago
No you are not wrong, and no you are not being selfish. On the contrary, he is the one who is being selfish by wanting you to stay as you were and refusing to believe that there could be something he doesn’t know about marriage and inter-personal relationships.
about 1 year ago
You need to find out why he thinks counseling is for crazy people.That tells me right there that he is not knowledgeable about the various types of counseling. When a partner changes suddenly it freaks the other one out. I mean ..wouldn’t you be a little freaked out if he changed on you all of a sudden? Also ,maybe he feels in the wrong about some happenings in your marriage and doesnt’ want a counselor pointing them out.Some men /women are just very private, they don’t want strange people knowing their business. But, I think that if you feel the need to go ..then yes I would go ..with or without him.
about 1 year ago
No, it is good that you asked. If you are having problems in the marriage it really helps to have a Doctor or counselor (trained professional) give you the tools to create a better relationship. Yes, if he is not willing to go you should and get the support and tools to improve your marriage. Yes, it takes two but through counseling I have learned a lot about myself. I understand the mistakes I was making and I am working on them to improve all my relationships and my marriage.
I am sorry about your husband’s misconception about counseling and that he does not support you rediscovering yourself. I too have walked in your shoes but now my husband understands and supports me. Your husband may eventually understand and support you too. Good Luck to both of you. Get the help you need.
about 1 year ago
Ok, sure, it’s easy to say that you shouldn’t have married until you rediscovered yourself and now you’re screwing up his life.
Time changes things. Ask 100 married people and you’re going to find a number of them who’ll say that they’ve changed and a number of them will say that their spouse did.
Whether or not you’re being selfish or if you are wrong to ask depends on your motives. If you still want to be married and don’t think that it’s working, then you’re not being either. If you want to find ways to make this work together, you’re not.
Asking him to go into therapy doesn’t mean that you’re asking to convert him. Hopefully you know that the only one who can change someone is themselves. If you do want him to change or to just accept yours, then you are being a bit selfish and your intentions for counseling are wrong.
BTW, crazy people don’t get therapy – they get locked up.
about 1 year ago
You are not wrong in asking.
You both need to go together.
Counseling is a good thing , at least you are trying to resolve your problems .
He does not want to because he knows within himself that he has some issues that will be made light of .
He may also think that you are suggesting that he is at fault for asking him to go in the first place.
Everyone goes through changes in their lives , he is finding it hard to accept yours.
Tell him how you feel but also listen and ask why. A lot of people argue about things but when you ask why in a calm manner, often they will tell you what the real problem is. Often we get caught in the heat of the moment when arguing and it gets nowhere.
Do you love him still?
Both of you need to be moving in the same direction .
about 1 year ago
no, you are not wrong at all. you want to make things better, and he clearly doesnt. honestly, i would get out of the marriage, he doesnt seem to want to give you the chance to grow as a person, and it doesnt seem like he really wants to be with you. i really think you should leave and find someone that will respect your “new self” and will let you grow as a couple and as a person.
about 1 year ago
I believe that’s there’s always room for improvement. Just because you have a great relationship doesn’t mean it can’t be greater. Marriage counseling could help you move up a level in your relationship.
You said your rediscovering yourself and a friend of mine once told me that when you start changing something drastic happens concerning personal relationships. I’m in that stage of rediscovery right as we speak and your husband has no business telling you what to do. He’s also very afraid that he might lose you to the changes that occurring within you right now but that’s the price of change.
If you need private counseling tke it, you have questions and your looking for answers, an old Chinese proverb goes like this:
“A man who asks is a fool for five minutes, a man who never asks is a fool forever”. Keep asking questions and rediscovery why you are here, who you are and what path you are taking. And you’re not being selfish, your husband is, and no you weren’t selfish for asking him to go to counseling, you just wanted positive change but it seems like your husbands likes the old ways because it’s comfortable and most people like to stay in their comfort zones and become defensive when people try to take them out of it.
Hopes this helps, if you need more help, email me.
Tony
about 1 year ago
No, you weren’t wrong, and your own counselor will tell you so and help you deal with him. I hope you find a good clinical psychologist to talk to.
At some point, people who “don’t believe in marriage counseling” and have serious marital problems wind up divorced because they didn’t bother. At some point, some of us give ultimatums of “counseling or I’m gone”. Not saying you’re at that point, just that marriage counseling, if you felt you needed it – you did.
about 1 year ago
not at all, but , even if he did go, he probably wouldnt take a active part in it,
seems like he is looking for a excuse to cal it quits.. or he is VERY controling.
about 1 year ago
If you feel there is a need for marriage counseling, then there likely is. Even if he doesn’t see it (they usually don’t). You should seek counseling for yourself. Be true to yourself, if you aren’t you will resent him for not allowing you to be yourself, the new rediscovered you. This will definitely come between you two eventually. There is absolutely nothing wrong with marriage counseling or counseling for yourself. I applaud you for seeking marriage counseling and asking him, that is a hard thing to do. Most people just quit on the marriage. I would suggest that you seek counseling for yourself and then maybe bring up marriage counseling again later or ask your counselor for advice on seeking marriage counseling.