My friend Mary, shook with emotion as she attempted to explain how after 25 years of marriage, her husband decided that he could not continue in the relationship any longer. He had to be free!

It seemed she would explode with shock & incredible unbelief. She was in severe, inconsolable pain. This was pure grief! It was as if she had run until she could not run anymore & now was facing a gigantic brick wall in front of her. She was helpless to take another step. Her pain was a visual reality. She was experiencing, incredible grief.

When speaking of grief, normal thoughts turn to the loss of a loved one to death. Generally, most do not think that grief is connected to a broken relationship or divorce. But in reality, it is a very real element in this experience.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book ON DEATH AND DYING, says the five stages of grief apply to broken marriages & relationships as well as the death of a loved one.

Experienced Counselors & Support Group Leaders agree that the following 5 elements are all present in both losses due to death and divorce.

1. DENIAL

Kubler-Ross states the first stage of grief is denial?’No, not me!’ This can not be!’ There’re thoughts of disbelief or hope that it is not happening? ‘Maybe he/she will change his /her mind.’

2. ANGER/RESENTMENT

According to Ms. Kubler-Ross, Anger/resentment follow. ‘How could he/she?’ ‘Why me?’ This could be profound anger at the loved one for dieing or for breaking up the relationship. Anger may even be directed towards one’s self, thinking they’re at fault.

3. BARGAINING

Bargaining is the next tool to be employed. ‘If you do this, I will do that.’ One may attempt negotiating with God or the other partner in order to keep things the same.

4. DEPRESSION

Depression can take hold when all other tactics fail to work. Acknowledging that one is powerless to bring about changes, results in giving up the desire to bring back the past & depression controls.

5. ACCEPTANCE

Eventually, counseling or personal self-work can lead to accepting that you can not forget the past, but can move forward, is a good sign. The past is occasionally a good teacher.

So where does one go when acceptance has finally taken hold?

Dr. Phil McGraw says, ‘Grief is a process to go through, not a destination in which to wallow. In the process, you keep putting one foot in front of the other. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months?each little step is part of the process of healing your heart.’

FIVE Things not to do if you wish to move in a forward motion

1. If you’re divorcing, do not embarrass your self by persistent phone calls, non-stop emails or jabs at your Ex, nor lament the things you did or did not do. If you’re widowed, do not hang on to what you can not change. These are NOT ways to move on!

2. Do not beat yourself up verbally. Spending time feeling sorry for yourself prolongs your healing.

3. Do not allow memories to deter you from living your life to the fullest. Memories are just that, memories, not tangibles.

4. Do not lose sight of what & who is important. You could realize that the only important relationship now is the one you have with yourself. No doubt you have spent many hours doubting who & what you’re & if you’re worthy & why you were rejected or left alone. You may even have lost sight of the really good person that you are. You may even have to re-introduce yourself to your own soul.

5. Do not keep your hurt & anger inside! You can not heal until you have been heard.

FIVE Things to do

1. Emotionalism is an acceptable part of the grief & needs to be experienced. You are allowed & should express your pain in a constructive way, whether sharing with a dear friend, a Counselor, a support group or even with the object of your emotion. If you’re the one at fault, admit it to the person damaged, express your sorrow & move on.

2. If your loved one is dead or unavailable, write a letter of your anger or your love, put it in an envelope, stamp it & send it to yourself. When it returns, open it, read it & burn it… Let the emotions ‘go up in smoke’ & disappear. Holding on to your anger is harmful to your physical body & a handicap to healing. You’ll realize the object of your anger could care less & is unaffected by it, & you’ll be very happythat you did not address it to him/her.

3. Concentrate on your good points & how you plan to make a new life for yourself. If your true intent is to move on, work on learning to trust again. All relationships contain a certain degree of risk, even friendships.

4. It’s okay to be selfish, to treat yourself well. Spoil yourself to something you have always wanted & would not get or do. Read, (or write) that book you always felt guilty about because of responsibilities to a spouse or family. Make new friends, go straight to new places, do new things. You are in charge now, please yourself.

5. If you do not respect yourself, it will show & make you a target for the kind of person who would take advantage of your lack of self-esteem. You’ll find yourself walking in the same old tracks that got you to the place you just left.

One point to remember

Grief is a thing of the past. This is your NEW life. Live it!

Learn how to survive the loss of a loved one to death or divorce. Find clues for a happier, healthier life with a renewed sense of self… Go to: http://www.butterflyintonewlife.com Thank you for leaving a comment-receive a personal reply.