When you said the words, “I do,” on your wedding day, the idea :idea: of divorce probably never entered your mind. Nor was it even a fleeting thought when you witnessed the birth of your first child. Chances are it never occurred to you at those times that one day you would be a statistic in the over fifty percent of marriages that end in divorce.

And yet here you are, considering divorce, separated, or already divorced. Today you find yourself dealing with issues of dating, visitation schedules, & feelings of animosity toward your spouse. You know that divorce isn’t the best situation for your children, but things have progressed too far to turn back now.

What do you do at this point to protect your children? How do you help them reduce the negative effects of a divorce? What do you say to them & how do you say it? How you handle yourself through the divorce process & the months that follow can be a determining factor in how well your children handle the struggles that divorce can bring.

Listed below are the seven worst things you can say to your children during a divorce. Avoid these & you will be on your way to helping your children make the transition in a positive manner.

1. “If you behaved yourself more, your mother would not get so mad at me.”

Your child is NOT responsible for your relationship problems with your partner. Hinting that your child is in some way responsible for your divorce wounds the spirit & slashes the soul. Regardless of what your child has done or said, putting responsibility on them is totally inappropriate. Remember, a divorce takes place between the two married people in the relationship. Even though divorce affects the children, you’re not divorcing them. You are divorcing the person to whom you’re married.

Even when you assure children that they’re not responsible for the marriage breakup, most children believe they’re somehow responsible. They think to themselves, “If I had only been better, it would not have happened,” or “If I had just done something different, things would be OK with Mom & Dad.”

If you really believe that your children are responsible for your divorce, then something is in need of repair in your parent-child relationship. Turn to a counselor, member of the clergy, or school personnel. Do it now. You & your children are worth it.

2. “Your mother is a tramp.”

Name-calling in front of your children is inexcusable. Regardless of what she has done & how you feel about her, remember that this person is still your child’s mother. If she has had an affair or done other mean things to you, it’s not your place to tell the children about her behavior. Saying hurtful things to the children about their mother doesn’t hit the intended target, your “ex.” It hits & hurts the ones you still love, your children.

Name-calling usually stems from feelings of anger & disgust. OK. Stay in control of your angry feelings. Attempting to knock your “ex” down in this way doesn’t bring you up in the eyes of your children. When they hear you using these words about their mother, they can see & feel the discrepancy in what you’re saying & how they’re feeling. Do you follow? They begin to distrust your words, & fear that you may be saying such things about them & their behavior. Their suspicion damages your relationship with them.

Kids need to look up to their parents. You and, yes, their mother are the two most important people in their lives. For years they have looked to both parents for comfort, support, encouragement, & direction. They will continue to do so even after the divorce. Speaking about their mother with words that are meant to wound only decreases the likelihood that they will look up to you in the future.

3. “What does your mother say about me?”

Do not put your children in the role of informant whose job it’s to keep you updated on the events & happenings around Mom’s house. They are not conduits of information to be pumped for information. Keep them out of the middle & off the witness stand.

By asking your children to report to you & keep you informed you’re asking them to betray some one they love. They are caught in the hard position of having to supply you with information or lie in an attempt to protect their mother. When you do this, your children have to decide what might be appropriate information to tell & what information Mom might not want you to know. This isn’t a decision that a child needs to be making.

If there is information that you feel you really need or want to know, go straight to the source. Be an adult & ask your “ex” the questions you want answered. She has the right to decide what she wants to tell you… If she isn’t forthcoming with the answers, sit tight. It’s quite possible that the answer will come to you without ever having to ask your children.

The main focus of your communication with your “ex” should be about your children, their development, & their continued care. Those questions that do not pertain to the kids may not actually be any of your business. Ask yourself if the answers to your questions benefit your children or you… Be honest with yourself at this point. If it only benefits you, let it go. Your children are what’s most important.

4. “I want to get back together, but your mother doesn’t.”

This statement may be true, but telling it to your children is nothing more than a play for sympathy. It’s a subtle attempt to fix blame & make the other parent look bad. You are trying to place yourself in a positive light, as the only one who wants to keep the family together.

If this statement is really true, explore your role in how the relationship with your partner has gotten to the point where it’s now. Tell your partner that you want to get back together & work on correcting the mistakes you made in the relationship. Your children have no place in that process.

If you want to look good & win your children’s affection, do so with grace. Approach your partner with a loving heart. Model for your children how to separate & move on in a relationship without wounding the spirit of another. Show your children how to have an open heart even when you do not want what another person wants. Divorce gracefully. It’s the best kind of divorce your children can go through.

5. “No, I will not give you any money… I send your mother child support. If you need any money, ask her.”

When you were married, did you sit down each week or month & show your check stub to your children? Did you share each aspect of the family budget with them, expecting them to understand the intricate nature of this system you designed? Probably not. They knew it existed & they became familiar with parts of it at times, but it was never a major concern for them. It was an adult matter that adults took care of.

The same holds true for child support. Your children do not need to know how much child support you pay & when you pay it… A child’s request for money isn’t a request to be told about the family budget or about how much you pay for child support. Neither is it a request to hear about your financial troubles. If the money isn’t available, & there’re times in non-divorce situations that this is also true, tell them that the money isn’t available right now without mentioning how much you pay for child support. Talk with Your children about what they want to do with the money… Help them create a plan on how to get the money they need.

The purpose of child support is to make available a percentage of the finances needed for every day living. Your children need far more than what child support provides. Your children need extra love, extra attention, and, yes, extra money on occasion.

Don’t get caught up in the financial end of your relationship with your children. Be careful not to attempt to buy their love with money… Instead, show your love with time & attention.

6. “I’m sorry I myself did not get you last week. I was really busy.”

When it’s your evening or weekend to be with your kids, adjust your schedule so that you can give them your full attention. This may mean skipping the golf outing, rescheduling poker night, missing softball practice, or changing your hours at work. Create the time so that you can be present in your children’s life. When it’s your weekend & you do not spend it with your kids, they feel rejected. The message is that something has become very important to you & it’s not them. Is that the message you want to send to your children? If not, then make your time with them a priority. Demonstrate to them that their time with you is the last thing to get cancelled.

If you’re scheduled to have parenting time with your children & you do not show or you call at the last minute with a change of plans, your kids feel abandoned. If you take them to their grandparents’ house for the day while you go on a golf outing, the kids question their importance to you… If you say to your daughter, “We can do that the next time we are together,” & when next week arrives you do not do it, your integrity comes into question.

When you have scheduled parenting time, keep it… When you say you are going to do something together next time, do it… Your children remember, & they’re building an image of their father based closely on your actions. Right. What image of you do you want them to hold?

7. “I do not care what your mother said. You do not have to do that if you do not want to.”

No two homes are run alike. With the establishment of two separate homes comes the establishment of two sets of rules. There is more. The goal is to create as much consistency as possible between your house & your ex-wife’s house.

Arriving at mutual agreement on issues of bed time, homework structure, video game & television viewing, & basic rules of respect for others’ boundaries is important. While this type of consistency is valuable, the reality is that it’s hard for many divorced couples to achieve. It takes setting aside your anger, resentment, & feelings of revenge, & coming to mutual conclusions about important issues that affect your children. It takes two people behaving like adults focusing on what’s best for their children.

To say to your children, “I do not care what your mother said. You do not have to do that if you do not want to,” begins to create an imbalance in the structure that children need, especially in times of divorce. The implication is that they do not have to listen to their mother, that she does not know what she’s talking about, & that it is OK if they defy her authority. This is your effort to exert power over your ex-wife by weakening her power with the children. You are attempting to undermine her authority & are using the children to get back at her. This isn’t your children’s job. Putting them in this position gives them a sense of power that is focused in the wrong direction. A child’s power needs to stay focused on managing their own behavior as they learn to make safe, caring, confident choices.

If you really do not think the children should have to do whatever their mother told them to do, take it up with her. Find out what was really behind her request or disciplinary strategy. If it’s not a strategy you use in your home, talk to the children about how you handle similar situations at your house. Explain the differences in the approach each parent has taken, helping them see the outcome of their choices & the effect it has on them regardless of the house in which they reside.

Divorce doesn’t have to be a devastating end to your family. It marks the beginning of a new family for you & your children. Focus on creating a new life together. Hold on to some of the traditions of the past & look for opportunities to create new traditions, new routines, & a newfound joy in being together. Show your children how to divorce gracefully by eliminating the seven worst things you can say to them during that critical time.

Thomas Haller & Chick Moorman are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They are two of the world’s foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. There is more. To sign up for it or obtain more information about how they can assist you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their websites today: http://www.thomashaller.com or http://www.chickmoorman.com.