Being logical creatures, us men like to know what’s what. We like to know where & when. We like to stay in control & keep things in check… especially our emotions. So there’s nothing quite like a divorce or separation to shake a guy’s world to the foundations.

How do we handle things?

Our first impulse is to get ourselves in check. If our partner has left us, we want them to think we are okay, even when in reality we are falling apart at the seems. Right. We may still want her back & we think there’s ½ a chance, so the trick has to be to tell her we are okay, or “Getting our head around things”. But there’re three things with this approach…

First, in truth you are probably not okay. Woman are experts in the art of seeing right through us. If you attempt the above approach & fail she’s going to doubt you… First thing you shoot here is her trust on what comes out of your mouth. Now she will doubt things you say & for good reason.

Second, if she’s left you, there’s a reason. Chances are she’s not coming back, whatever trickery we try. And if she did come back, what then… she’s there on false pretences, either because she feels sorry for you, is confused or manipulated.

So, do not tell her your getting your head around things. Even if you think you are. Because you are probably not. What you’re getting your head around is that something that has been familiar for years is gone. Chances are your divorce will involve children. They’ll probably be left behind & you will miss them too & you now have a divorce to handle, plus your job & the worries about the future, juggling a mortgage, paying for your kids & somehow starting all over again. Truth is it hurts like hell & you are struggling to pull your act together.

When I went through my divorce an old friend told me that divorce was like a roller coaster ride you could not get off. It sounded funny :lol: at the time, but pretty soon I knew what he meant. My emotions went up & down. For many months I felt like a manic depressive.

I’d have moments where I felt I was getting things sorted. I felt like life was moving on & I was “Getting my head around things,” then out of the blue, & often for no particular reason, I had slump – depressed or exhausted. Basically I had burnt out.

One of the things I found hardest was turning my brain off. It would go around & around with things I needed to sort out. It might be something I thought of after a conversation with my ex or a friend. it might be something I had to tell my solicitor. And most often… & most annoyingly, these things would come up just at the moment where I had dozed off. Ping I was wide awake & ready to go again.

At work things would go around in my head too. At the time I worked up ladders. I had be up there & suddenly I had have a bubble of emotions well up. When you are fourteen feet up in the air that is a bit inconvenient. Once or twice or two times the stress & emotion got too much & blacked out – which is more inconvenient.

There were many occasions when I had to give up & go home. The problem was being self-employed with solicitors fees & a mortgage to still pay, you can not afford too much of it… So the stress actually mounted even more.

Of course your circumstances, your separation, your work, your situation with kids, will be different to mine. But two things will be the same: You’ll have emotions & you’ll have the practical issues of life to get in order. Below you will find my simple times.

1. Resist the urge to call her & tell her anything. If you have children you have to see them, do it out of the house & away from your ex. Go to your parents, a friends, the park anywhere, but where your ex is. And get away from ASAP. Reason being the longer your in her company the more you will miss her or tell her rubbish like, “Your getting your head around things.

2. Make sure you go for a walk every evening, around 2-3 hours before you go straight to bed. The fresh air & the physical movement will help lift your spirits & you may actually begin to resolve things while your walking.

3. Twice a day, sit in silence for 5-15 minutes. Focus on your breathing, expand your stomach as you breath in, contract it as you breath out. Thoughts will come & go. Acknowledge them & write them down if they’re persistent. Then get back to focusing on your breathing. Do you follow? This is good for relieving stress, both on the brain & the body.

4. Consider mediation, coaching or councilling. Do you follow? This way you can resolve the nitty-gritty such as who has the crystal vase & who pays the mortgage & for how long, plus how you share the lives of little Johnny & Jane. Go to mediation to arrive at a fair understanding of how you dissolve things. Get coaching on how you move forward in your life & how you can both work effectively with your kids. Go for councilling if you’re unable to resolve your own issues. Later, when you get involved again you might want to look at what’s on offer for step parents.

5. Use your solicitor sparingly. Try to avoid mud slinging. Do you follow? Try to avoid Court. It costs a fortune. Settle the divorce as rapidly & simply as possible. Be aware if you get into haggling over something worth less than many thousand, it might well cost you more that that value in legal fees. You’d be better off purchasing a new one & sparing yourself any bad :cry: feelings. Having said that, do not actually be walked all over. Be clear on what’s fair. Be prepared to give & take in the negotiation. Listen to the advice your given. You’re paying for it.

6. During all the confusion & reorganising things please consider that in every challenge, there is an opportunity for growth. Look for your opportunity.

Neil

Neil Millar is a coach for divorcing & separating dads. Find out more at http://www.neilmillar.net