If you’re female & either considering a divorce or already going through the process, then you really need to read this article. Why? Because divorce is an emotional process to a business-like decision. Whether you have been married for 6 months or 40 years, you invested much of yourself emotionally. You probably entered this marriage believing ’til death do you part. OK. Suddenly, you realize your life may not actually be including this person any longer.

This can be overwhelming. You may experience feelings of anger, confusion, disbelief and/or grief. This is to be expected, but you can overcome it… You can learn to empower yourself & make the best of a hard situation. You are going to have to make decisions, some of which can cause strong emotions, like splitting up assets, considering who will get the house, & dealing with child custody issues. There is more. These decisions must be made with a clear head & not an overwrought heart.

If you’re considering divorce, or even if the divorce has already been filed, you really need to take care of yourself (and children if any) first & foremost. I suggest you consult with a financial planner & a family attorney. Even if you select to take care of the divorce through mediation, you want to be sure your finances are secure upon the completion of the divorce. You want to make certain you know your rights. There is more. These professionals can be an asset when making decisions, which will ultimately effect your future.

If you find the need to hire an attorney, consult with them for legal purposes only. Too often, I hear of women who turn to their attorneys every time they argue with their spouse, crying :cry: on their shoulders (literally & figuratively) & seeking emotional support. What many do not realize is every time the attorney is contacted, they’re charging you, regardless of the reason. This can lead to enormous attorney fees, which will be taken out of your part of the settlement. If you need support, seek out the aid of friends & family. If you do not have a good support system in place, seek counseling or a women’s support group. Use these outlets, as they will be more beneficial & less expensive than an attorney for this purpose.

Counseling can be beneficial during this time. A very good therapist can be objective, while you deal with the strong feelings you will experience, which cloud your judgment. A counselor will also help you process the lifestyle changes you will ultimately have to deal with. A couple of concerns some women have voiced include the ability to pay for counseling during this time & the confidentiality of their records.

I suggest you pay for the therapy out-of-pocket. You may be asking, ‘Well, if I’ve insurance, why would not I want to use it?’ You can use insurance & have every right if you so select to do so; how ever, there’re possible negative ramifications of using insurance benefits. First, your counselor will have to determine if you meet the criteria for a mental disorder diagnosis to be easily able to use your insurance, as panels require ‘medical necessity’ to be authorized for benefits. If you do qualify, that mental disorder diagnosis will be submitted for every session to the insurance company. If your divorce is not amicable or if your spouse is being vindictive, he & his lawyer may attempt to subpoena any records to win their case. Would you want them to obtain these records from the insurance company? This transitions into the confidentiality aspect of paying out-of-pocket.

By paying your counselor directly, the paper trail is eliminated. Your counselor does have to keep records by law, but those records are kept confidential & can only be released with your permission, by a court order or by imminent emergency, such as suicide or child abuse. So, the chance of your spouse learning of your counseling will only occur if you divulge such information.

The next question might be, ‘I want to pay out-of-pocket, but I can not afford it… What can I do?’ Counseling doesn’t have to break the bank. You can go straight to various counseling directories & look for a counselor who falls within your means, such as on PsychologyToday.com & Counsel-Search.com. If this still seems too high, you can contact your local County Mental Health & ask for local community resources. Most communities have low-cost counseling centers, where pre-licensed counselors, under supervision of a licensed professional, can provide quality services.

Remember, divorce is a business decision with emotional impacts. Do not let your emotions hinder your ability to take are of yourself & your children. Seek the support you need now & end up in a better place when the divorce is finalized.

Jodi Blackley is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Southern California. She offers monthly work shops on Women & Divorce: What You Need to Know, with a family attorney & a Divorce Certified Financial Planner to help empower women with tools & education. For lots more information, go straight to Jodi’s website: http://www.JodiBlackley.com
?2007 Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T.