Did it take too long for him to pick the children up from her house? Does she call too often & too late? Does he spend too much money & too much time with her? This is typical of a recently divorced couple. If you really love him & feel that your relationship has potential, hide your jealousy & give him the space he desperately needs. Marriage takes years to build & months to tear down. The passion, pain & potential will not end over night. Let the divorced couple set new boundaries & expectations for their new separate relationship. They need to address their new roles in each other’s lives. Hint: Let him spend enough time with his ex & he will rapidly remember why he divorced her. Have faith in your love.

The National Center for Health statistics, 1995 reports that even though divorces occur to adults of every age, they’re more likely to occur in young adulthood than middle age. The divorce rate for men was 32.8 per 1000 married men in the 15-19 age group & 50.2 per 1000 for men in the 20-24 age group. Couples in their first marriage, one in eight can expect a divorce after age 40 (Uhlerberg, Cooney & Boyd, 1990). Based closely on these statistics there is a good chance that you’re or will be dating some one recently divorced.

Don’t underestimate the problems of adjustment for these newly single men. The following dating tips will give you insight on how to have a stable relationship even though your mate is recently divorced & emotionally unstable.

Don’t criticize his ex-wife

Don’t criticize his ex-spouse, no matter how tempting, let him talk & listen with an open mind. Most likely, your mate is still hurting over the break up of his marriage & is confused & angry. By criticizing his ex-spouse you’re indirectly insulting him, because who & what she is – is partly a reflection of who & what he is. Right. When feeling attacked he will argue in her defense because in a sense he is protecting himself. Without letting you know, he may begin to feel that she was not so bad :cry: after all; because you do not know what she was like when she smiled. Yes, they’re divorced for a reason, but better yet; do not forget that they were once married for a reason; & at this moment, they were married a lot longer than the two of you have been together.

Be careful, you only know one side of the story, keep quiet. No matter what he tells you, remember that his marriage to her was not all bad. Your mate must re-define himself outside of the marriage. Let him bare his soul to you & build a relationship based closely on trust & understanding by remaining non-judgmental & objective.

Don’t let him move in with you, before he is emotionally ready to commit

You’ve been dating him for less than 18 months & he wants to move in with you… Do not let him. Make sure he is ready for another meaningful relationship & not a crutch for his broken heart & empty wallet. He may be the ‘one’ for you, but remember: If you combine all of the right ingredients together to make the perfect cake, if you take it out of the oven too soon, you’ll destroy it… Do not ruin a potentially wonderful relationship by moving to quickly.

Give him space to get over his ex

You are convinced that he still loves her. Even when he tells you how much he hates her, you can see it in his eyes. Your mate is more susceptible to sentimental feelings around the holidays, family gatherings & funerals. Reminiscing & feeling sad :( over the good that was lost during the divorce doesn’t mean that he is in love with her & wants to rekindle the relationship with his ex-wife. Let him mourn his loss without feeling you’re abandoning him. Do not tell him to let her go. This is something he must do when he is ready. This issue is out of your realm.

Studies show that a typical couple needs 3-5 years to heal after divorce before they’re emotionally ready for re-marriage. Of course this is not true for every person, but realize that he must come to an understanding & acceptance of his emotions of separation that may be riddled with guilt. Let go of him & move on, if you want & need more than he is capable of giving to your relationship.

Don’t let him take his anger out on you

You are not his punching bag. Yes, he has been through a great deal of pain & he does not trust women, just yet. OK. Sure, he apologized & said he will never say nor do those mean things again. Un Huh. If a person had a contagious physical disease such as measles, you would take precautions to protect yourself. Right? Well, think of emotional distress as a spiritual illness, & do the same. Run for cover! People tend to give what they themselves have – even if it is not on purpose. Divorce is a very painful process & occasionally the person is naturally depressed & moody. Let them know you care, but maintain boundaries to maintain your self-esteem & self-respect.

Clarify your expectations for the relationship

You are a potential danger to your newly divorced mate. Be careful with his emotions by being open & honest about your intentions & expectations for the relationship. The wounds of his broken heart are fresh. He is open & vulnerable to further damage by you… The divorce may have left him insecure & uncertain about his masculinity & ability to nurture a healthy relationship. He may need to know that he is still lovable & seeks refuge in your heart. Handle him with care, some broken hearts are fragile.

Don’t rush to meet his children

Do take your time before meeting his children & ex-spouse. Your presence is crystal clear evidence that things are not the same & that the marriage is indeed over. Often time’s children are not emotionally ready to see their parents with some one new. If you meet them too soon, they may erroneously blame you for their parents break up. Get to know your mate much better before adding the additional strain of trying to build a relationship with other hurting family members. Be patient & give the family time to adjust at least 6 months to 1 year. Forcing togetherness may complicate your relationship with your mate.

Do you really care for him or feel sorry for him?

Always be honest with yourself at all times & encourage him to do the same. If you see unappealing characteristics that you’re not comfortable with, tell him immediately. Give him a fair amount of time to address your concerns. Ask yourself if his behavior is a part of his transition into being a single person, or is this just who he is. Right. When people are going through a traumatic change, they may need time to re-balance their lives. Be gentle & tell him to be true to his heart, even if it means leaving the relationship with you… Do not short change yourself, you deserve all of his heart, hopes & dreams, not left over feelings of guilt & fear of starting over. Listen to your heart & move on if necessary.

Cassandra George Sturges MA, MA, Psy.D is a mother of two teenagers, a full-time psychology instructor, advice columnists for Today’s Black Woman Magazine, Seminar facilitator, author of “A Woman’s Soul on Paper” ISBN: 0595171435. Dr. Sturges is the author & publisher of Authentik Beauty Magazine. A 1 year subscription to Authentik Beauty Magazine is only $49.99 for 6 issues; mail request to: Authentik Beauty Magazine, P.O. Box 980679, Ypsilanti, MI 48197. Caution: Articles & clip art are sensuously & beautifully designed for a mature audience only. We accept cash, checks & all major credit cards.