Close to 60% of first marriages are dissolving in our country. Close to 70% of second marriages are ending in divorce. One million kids a year get hit by the pain of parents that decide to put their so called “happiness” & “freedom” above their kids, family, friends, spouses & the stability of our society. Seven out of ten marriages are filed by women across America. 75% percent of divorced male fathers loose their kids to custody battles. That means 75% percent of “divorce kids” growing up without a meaningful male figure in their lives & the “new luxury” of having two parents at home. Unbelievable trend!

We can take divorce as a sociological problem & study it analytically by statistical reports. We can look at it from the psychological perspective & decide that males & women are simply “screwed up.” Divorce is just happening due to gender dysfunctionality. Or we can select to use the general cultural label that is being used to justify 90% of divorces by the court system in this country, namely: irreconcilable differences. In other words, fifty percent of married couples grow apart & there is nothing that can be done to resolve the “differences.”

My own take after a long time of research & listening to people going through the pain of divorce is that DIVORCE IS THE SYMPTOM OF A DEEPER PROBLEM.

I am not a religious person & the LIFE ZONE isn’t a religious movement. Our workshops, conferences & seminars are not religious events. But we have come to believe that DIVORCE is a symptom of a profound, deep, spiritual dimension. Simply put, divorce is a symptom of the state of the human heart.

People only stay together & connected on the basis of LOVE. We may have a hard time defining LOVE. But the foundation for community, family & marriage is still LOVE. The problem very often arises when we define LOVE. Statements such as ‘I do not love her any longer,’ are confusing at best. OK. Since when was LOVE supposed to be all about feelings & emotions? Doesn’t love begin as a feeling & progressively becomes more & more an act of the WILL? It has always been that way! Couples who have been married for 50, 60 years do not stay married because they ‘feel in love’ the way they were when they first met & got married but because of a promise & a commitment. Imagine if mothers would only love the baby when he is clean, fed & is well behaved. We know what LOVE means in the parenting department but then we turn around & define it differently for marriage. We know what it means when a soldier goes to war & we hear him saying ‘I do it because I LOVE my country.’ It means he made a commitment of WILL & he will follow through with it… Why then the inconsistency when it comes to marriage?

LOVE is the emotional ability & the WILL to connect with people in meaningful ways based closely on commitment & character, not just feelings! LOVE is a feeling but more than anything else LOVE remains an act of the WILL.

Truthfully divorce happens when one spouse or both say: ‘I HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO LOVE YOU ANYMORE. I HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO ALLOW YOU TO LOVE ME ANYMORE.’ Simple enough! All the clich? statements we hear like: “I have no more feelings for her,” “She hurt me too much & I lost it all,” are cosmetic statements to express one reality: ‘FOR WHATEVER REASON I HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO LOVE THIS PERSON ANY LONGER NOR CARE TO OPEN UP TO BE LOVED BY HIM/HER ANY LONGER.’ It is total self-containment.

Thus, there’re three conditions that precede a divorce:

1. There has to be a CHOICE not to love or be loved any longer.

Love is a CHOICE. Divorce is a choice not to love or allow to be loved any longer. Love may start as a feeling but it is always & ultimately a CHOICE. True love puts others first over our needs for well being, happiness, freedom & self-fulfillment. Love is true love when the crisis & the tests of life put a relationship at risk. Love happens when your child inconvenience you beyond your natural patience & you select to put that kid first in your commitment. LOVE IS THE OPPOSITE OF CONVENIENCE! Everything in our culture is about convenience. There isn’t much encouragement to follow higher principles than convenience!

2. LOVE as a spiritual force for renewal must cease to be.

Love may start as a feeling but at the end LOVE is a spiritual force. Love is more than hormones & physical realities. When we fail to see that concept of LOVE we have fallen into the biggest trap! When Jesus spoke of divorce he said that the root of divorce is “the hardness of the heart” (Matthew 19:1-8) Simply put he said, “Divorce should not happen except when people are not willing to forgive & keep their hearts open.” Divorce is the result of a human CHOICE. Forgiveness is a function of spirituality. The deepest crisis of a marriage can become the gate to forgive, change, love & be loved. People who do not believe people can change do not see the need to forgive or be forgiven.

3. LOVE as a principle that puts other’s interests first must cease to be!

There is no way around this one. The opposite of love is selfishness, self-interest, convenience & a need to soothe our own personal pain!

I like this statement because it describes TRUE LOVE:

Love never gives up,
Love cares more for others than self,
Love does not have what it does not have,
Love does not strut,
Love does not have a swelled head,
Love does not force itself on others,
Love is not always “me first,”
Love does not fly off the handle,
Love does not keep score of the sins of others,
Love does not revel when other grovel,
Love takes pleasure in the flowering of the truth,
Love puts up with anything,
Love trusts God always,
Love looks for the best,
Love never looks back,
Love keeps going to the end,
Love never dies.
[The Message, Eugene Peterson, NavPress, 2002, p. 2085]

There are two forces in the universe: LOVE & FEAR.

LOVE as a CHOICE is the most powerful force in the universe.

LOVE brings people together; FEAR makes them fight & run away from each other. LOVE deals with the promise made & the frustrations of a long term relationship; FEAR makes people run away to what ‘feels’ & looks’ safe. LOVE is creative & refreshingly dynamic; FEAR cares only for the gratification of the moment. LOVE faces pain & difficulties with positive actions; FEAR wears the mask of convenience & personal comfort.

Divorce is a symptom of a much deeper problem than what psychologists & attorneys are hearing every single day. It is a symptom of a heart that has lost its ability to CHOOSE LOVE, has lost its spiritual component & has lost the character to put others first.

If you’re on the verge of considering divorce, think twice. Share this article with some one that is considering divorce. If you’re already divorced for whatever reason, it is not too late to be honest & make a statement by declaring that divorce isn’t the answer to marriage & family problems. Most people & children carry the scars of divorce for life!

Who knows, your influence could save others & your own kids from walking into the trap of believing that marriage is about happiness; that marriage is about convenience; that marriage is for all those who “are in love.” Our culture needs people who can be role models & help others stop the destructive trend of divorce.

Harold J. Duarte-Bernhardt is co-founder of the “LIFE ZONE.” Harold is a consultant, a seminar speaker & a LIFE Motivational Coach. The “LIFE ZONE” is a resource & a coaching center for personal & spiritual growth committed to providing sound strategies for dynamic living. For lots more information or private coaching: harold7676@gmail.com