A man is walking along the beach, finds a bottle & uncorks it… A genie flies out & says, ‘I will grant you three wishes.

‘Great!’ says the man. ‘I know exactly what I want. First, I want a billion dollars $ in a Swiss bank account.’

Poof! The genie hands him a piece of paper with his account information on it.

‘Super! Second, I want a brand new red Porsche.’

Poof! There’s a brand new car with the keys in the ignition.

The man says, ‘Wonderful! Finally?I want to be irresistible to women!’

Poof! There is a flash of light, & he turns into a big box of chocolates!! Some times we enter into marriage in much the same way as our fiend who placed his hopes in the Genie, without defined desires & directions. We are in a fantasy state of mind. We think we’re making ourselves clear in our needs & expectations & assume the other person is walking hand in hand in our dream. Perhaps, they’re in a fantasy world also, but their expectations can be 180 degrees in the other direction.

The dream becomes a nightmare.

Approximately 52% of marriages today end in this way. What is it we’re doing wrong? Are we closing our eyes to the realities that we just do not want to accept? Are we going into marriage with the hope that we can ‘change’ the other person? Do we believe some ‘magic’ will create that which we truly desire?

Fairy tale marriages are just that! Fairy tales! A healthy marriage is made up of two people who are attracted to one another, care deeply about each other & desire to be in each other’s life every day, so they decide to conjoin for life. Sound simple? NOT1

Marriage is hard work! It’s daily, consistent striving to remain together, It’s forgiveness for little non-essential mistakes or irritations & sometimes, big mistakes. It is understanding when things go wrong & appreciation when things are going right. It’s accepting the other person for who they’re & not trying to make them into something they’re not or can not be. Marriage is being truthful & faithful not just to the other person, but to our self. It’s common goals, hopes & dreams.

One might say, ‘But I was all this & my marriage failed. Why?’ From a religious perspective in Matthew, Chapter 19, Verse 4 Jesus’ words explain that when man & woman decide to be together in marriage? ‘God created man & woman & that man should leave his father & mother, & be forever united to his wife. The two shall become one?no longer two.’

A dictionary definition of marriage is: ‘an intimate or close union, the mutual relation of a husband & wife, whereby men & women are joined in a special kind of social & legal dependence for the purpose of founding & maintaining a family.’ The key words here are: ‘become one,’ ‘united,’ ‘intimae,’ ‘joined,’ & ‘mutual.’

The ironic question for divorced or separated folks is how can we live any one of the prerequisites if only one of us is trying to be joined, intimate, mutual or united? The answer is, we can’t!

In the ideal situation, if when the road became bumpy or even rocky, we have attempted to come together, discussed, compromised, got counseling, tried changes, prayed, pleaded, all of these & still could not glue the marital bonds back together, & going our separate ways was the only way, that could be accepted.

It takes two to tango When in *some* cases one partner will not take part in any of the above & just leaves, there is no choice. Are we responsible for another’s choices? How can we be? We can only be responsible for our own life choices & the life we live. We can not actually be the mind & heart of another person, nor are we expected to.

Beginning our survival of a broken dream is recognition of the realities that existed & the fantasies. Being honest with our self about our part in the dreams crash-landing, is first & foremost. If we can not mend that part, we must accept the reality & move on.

Whose guilt is it anyway? Allowing guilt to weigh us down is disastrous. We must learn to forgive ourselves as well as our partner. If Jesus could forgive being nailed to the cross, who are we not to forgive? However – trying to forgive a person who was a part of our self isn’t easy & gets mixed up with who we are. The guilt seems to be emerging from our very self, even though our partner could be the unfaithful one. True ‘marriage’ of two human beings causes a oneness that is hard to separate. The feeling of inadequacy seems to mesh with our own identity. Our self-image takes a beating. We have to begin working mentally & physically to make a new ‘me.’ Self-reliance has to be restored.

Learning to love our self, even if our ‘lover’ didn’t.

The next step is to learn how to love our self. Assess those parts of our body, mind & spirit that we’re satisfied with & those which we perceive need a little effort. Working on them gives us new goals & a new direction, HOPE.

For more tips & tools to on how to survive divorce & loss & make healthy relationship choices you’re invited to visit http://www.butterflyintonewlife.com Patricia Hubbard has Facilitated a Support Group for Separated, Divorced & Widowed people for the past 11 years.