If at all possible in almost all cases, it is better to attempt to save a marriage & a family. But, when it is not possible, how do we cope? Some times divorce is forced upon us against our will & occasionally it is a decision we have to make to end a painful or threatening relationship. Whatever put you in a divorce situation, coping with divorce involves rational attitudes to survive irrational conditions. On the subjects of blame, getting along, money, child custody or emotional recovery, following a few rational approaches can assist you & your family cope.

Fixing Blame: The best of divorces are horribly painful ordeals. It is natural for us to place blame on the other person to attempt to deflect some of the pain. It is the nature of disagreement that the other person is wrong. There would not actually be disagreement unless they thought we were wrong, as well. On the other hand, some of us attempt to take all of the blame in an irrational attempt to punish ourselves. Fixing blame on ourselves or our ex is a useless waste of energy & emotion that makes it harder for us to recover. It takes two to make a successful marriage & two for the unsuccessful ones. Fixing blame destines us to not learn from our mistakes & to repeat them in the future… Coping with divorce requires the discipline to accept that there were plenty of wrongs on both sides & to learn from the wrongs we endured & those we caused. The really cool 8) thing about taking this approach is what it does for us. You become a stronger, wiser, better spouse should you venture down the aisle again. Our personal recovery & growth is why we attempt to keep from fixing blame, not necessarily to get along with the ex.

The Amicable Myth: Getting along is the goal of one of today’s the most popular illusions, the amicable divorce. Do not get me wrong, coping with divorce requires that we do everything in our power to live at peace. Unfortunately, though, amicability is a bit of a myth. Let us look at why! During marriage, we provided each other financial support, domestic services, companionship & sexual satisfaction. At that time, our inability to get along on some level created the need for divorce. It continues to amaze me how many people expect to get along after removing all the benefits of marriage & adding emotional grief, financial hardship & complex custody arrangements. Regardless of how the ex behaves & how tempting it’s to pound them into the dirt, the best realistic outcome is that we personally select to do no harm. This is coping with divorce rather than creating revenge strategies.

Financial Facts: Coping is understanding that, before the assets are divided & the spousal & child support agreements are made, virtually everyone in the family will suffer financial hardship. Some have said that money is the number one cause of divorce…I’ve come to believe that money trouble is just a symptom of a bad :cry: relationship, not the cause. Divorce adds about 40-50% to the necessary expenses to pay for a second home & all the stuff required for the kids to live in both. One man told me, though he was living in a separate room from his wife & he was in a committed affair with another woman, he could not divorce because he would have to sell his home & his boat & pay child support. The money is so important to some people they will even harm their children to keep as much of it as possible. The financial facts are, the family assets are owned by both people & should be divided equally. If we can not come to an equitable agreement as to how the assets are to be divided, it is better to walk away with only the clothes we are wearing than to give most of it to lawyers in a drawn out court battle. It is just stuff! Besides, the stuff benefits the children when they arewith the ex.

Child Custody: The financial issues are so important to some people, they actually base their child custody requests to reduce their expenses or maximize their income. One of the saddest things to witness is parents who hate each other so much it overpowers their love for the children. The kids become cannon fodder in a never-ending battle between their parents. It becomes more important to win than to make things right for the children. People often use their custody time to attempt to turn the children against the ex. The children are severely damaged, always having to select sides to get any affection from their parents. One of the most common false accusations in custody battles is sexual abuse, requiring the children to endure traumatic physical exams & embarrassing :oops: psychological evaluations. If there is good reason to suspect something, these things are necessary. If not, the accuser, by putting their children through this, is sexually abusing them.

Coping with divorce requires a different tactic with respect to the children.Love for our children demands we seek a child custody outcome only to reduce emotional disruption & maximize happiness for the children, whatever the cost, regardless of our needs or wants. If possible, we will not allow the children to be harmed by a selfish tug-of-war, even if it means giving up some visits. Child custody should never be about the rights of the parent. We will not trouble our children with the details of the divorce or with negative comments about the other parent. Our relationship with the ex is none of their business. Whenever possible, for the sake of the children, we should find ways to build up the other parent even if the other parent is tearing us down. At least the kids will not actually be getting a double dose. If the kids say something against the ex, we should support the ex’s decisions & remind the kids they’re to love & obey them as their parent…whether we agree, or not. If we have nothing good to say, it is best to say nothing at all. After all, the kids are the ones who had no say in all this. They need our help to cope with the divorce & recover.

Divorce Recovery: Recovery is the last thing because all of the foregoing has to be put in it is place before recovery is possible. It does not require the ex agree to anything or apologize for anything…it has nothing to do with them. Despite how the ex acts, unless we get past the blame, agree to live in disagreement, let go of the money issues & approach custody with the right motivations, recovery is impossible. Most people move on with much of this baggage unresolved, but they have not recovered. Sadly, the baggage flavors every new relationship & often destroys them. Coping with divorce takes time. It requires we work through all the emotional stages of divorce & get to where we accept ourselves & our lives. Divorce recovery is more a journey than a destination. We’ll discover & have to rationally deal with new situations & emotions for years to come, especially if there’re children involved. But, once we have come to the place where we have learned from our mistakes, chosen to do no harm, let go of the stuff & made the children our priority, we will have the power to cope with these circumstances & move on in recovery to new lives & healthy relationships.

Glen Williams is Webmaster for http://www.way2hope.org, founder & CEO of E-Home Fellowship (EHF), Inc. He has been helping people with family & life problems full-time since 1989. You can comment on his articles at Way2Hope Family Life Forums.