He showed up right on time…and we started right in.

Client: I myself did what you said…I thought about my virtual affair & my fiancé…in the future.

Counselor: I notice that you said your affair & then your fiancé. Is the affair more important to you?

Client: No! I mean…why would you think that?

Counselor: No concrete reason…just that your affair preceded your fiancé in your statement.

Client: That doesn’t mean anything.

Counselor: Probably not. Tell me about what you saw in your future.

Client: I saw my on line affair….well, I saw the on line affair as it’s now. But, I didn’t see it in the future…in the future, all I saw was my fiancé & I, well, my wife & I, together.

Counselor: Together how?

Client: When I think about us I see us in our home; we’re at the dining table eating dinner & things seem okay.

Counselor: Are you okay with just okay?

Client: Sure…I mean, we weren’t fighting…the home seems comfortable…I have a good job now with lots of opportunities for advancement…and I can kind of see myself liking my job in the future too. My fiancé also has a good job even though she says she’s going to quit soon after we get married because she wants kids right away. And that’s her plan…and she is a pretty goal oriented person.

Counselor: When you saw yourself with your fiancé, married in the future, did you see the kids?

Client: Ummm…no…I didn’t see any kids…

Counselor: Let me ask you this….who asked who to get married?

Client: Well, I think we just kind of both thought it… We talk a lot about living together & then we started talking about getting married.

Counselor: Do you want children right away?

Client: Umm…it’s okay.

Counselor: You don’t sound terribly excited about being a father.

Client: …Gee…you know, when you said father…I kind of thought of me as an older man.

Counselor: You think you’re not ready to be a father?

Client: …I…umm…I don’t know. I mean, I like the idea :idea: of having kids…but, I haven’t really…thought of myself as a father.

Counselor: Children change the relationship of a couple. It’s no longer just the two of you; the infant can take up a lot of the mother’s time.

Client: Yeah…I know that…that’s why she’s gonna stop working…to be with the baby all the time; she really wants to be a mother.

Counselor: I sense something a bit amiss…She wants very much to be a stay at home mother & you may have some feelings about not being ready to have children, not being quite old enough to be a father.

Client:…Well…I did tell her once that I thought it might be a good idea :idea: if we waited a few years to have our first child.

Counselor: And…?

Client: She became her very persuasive self….she can be quite persuasive…and I agreed that we can attempt for our first child right away.

Counselor: Let me ask you this…Have you two thought about living together for a while before getting married?

Client: Yeah, kind of…but, she doesn’t like that idea…..she wants us to be married.

Counselor: What would you prefer?

Client: If I had my choice, we would be living together right now.

Counselor: When are you getting married?

Client: In a few months

Counselor: Do you feel that you don’t have a choice in the matter?

Client: You mean about getting married?

Counselor: About living together first, & getting married….and having children right away…..

Client: Umm…yeah…I have a choice……but, if I really didn’t want children right away, she’d be really disappointed.

Counselor: And what does that look like?

Client: We’ve had some fights….and she withdraws….doesn’t talk to me. She gets over it in a few days & things are fine again. She’d probably not talk to me for about a week.

Counselor: And then things would be fine again.

Client: Yeah…

Counselor: So, what prevents you from making that decision?

Client: I want her to have what she wants & that is what she wants, most of all…that is what she wants.

Counselor: What do you want most of all?

Client: To make her happy

Counselor: And how does the on line affair fit into that?

Client: …uh…umm…it doesn’t really. If she knew, she wouldn’t talk to me for months.

Counselor: But then things would be fine again…

Client: Gosh, I don’t know….she may never talk to me again.

Counselor: So, again, how does the on line affair you’re having contribute to her happiness?

Client: …I don’t know…it doesn’t. It just doesn’t. But, I’m still meeting with this woman a couple of times a week…and we…you know…

Counselor: Talk about sex….no, you describe how you would be having sex together.

Client: Yeah…like we’re describing something happening as its happening.

Counselor: Well…I hear a conflict…you want to make your fiancé happy :) & yet you’re engaged in an on line affair, no small thing by the way, which you know would make her not just unhappy but probably cause a great deal of pain for her.

Client:…Yeah…what an ass I am…Why am I doing this?

Counselor: That’s a good question. But, let’s change it around a bit because asking “why” rarely gives a useful answer. Instead, ask yourself….”What need is being satisfied by this on line affair?”

Client: Need? What do you mean?

Counselor: Most all behaviors strive to satisfy a need of some sort. Behavior isn’t random or meaningless. You’re engaged in this on line affair to satisfy some need. It’s a legitimate need…..the question is, what’s that need – or those needs? Once we know that, we can perhaps underestand what it’s that is motivating you…and that will answer your question about why you’re doing it… And, perhaps we can discover other ways to satisfy that need, perhaps a way which includes your fiancé.

Client: I don’t know…you’re saying I’m having this on line affair to satisfy a need of mine?

Counselor: Or needs…could be more than one…

Client: Gee…I don’t know…fun…is that a need?

Counselor: No, not really a need…We do have needs for personal growth…and that can be exciting; personal growth can be very exciting…and rewarding. It can also be challenging…and occasionally hard.

Client: Hmmm. I don’t know…I’d have to think about that.

Counselor: Okay…well, your homework for this time is to think about it… What need or needs are trying to be satisfied by this on line affair? Okay?

Client: Okay.

Ken Fields is a nationally certified, licensed mental health counselor. During the past 25 years, he has helped individuals, couples, families & groups address a variety of issues ranging from spiritual malaise to children with autism. He has been a crisis intervention counselor & an administrator at a human service agency. Currently, Mr. Fields gives relationship & career counseling as well as communication coaching on line at http://www.openmindcounseling.com