Q: ‘Help! It is been a year since my husband’s affair. I love him & I know he loves me but I still do not trust him. Some times I check up on him so often that I feel like I am going crazy. How can I learn to trust him again?’

A: Point #1:

Try not to think of trust as an all-or-none experience. Instead think of trust as running along a continuum. With this in mind, compare your level of trust for your husband before the affair with how you feel now. There’s probably a massive divide between these levels of trust, causing you to feel stuck. To help determine if your trust for him is increasing, think about how you felt when you first learned about his affair & rate this on a scale from 0 to 10 (10 = your highest level of trust; 0 = absolutely no trust). Your score is probably very low. What rating would you give six months after the affair? And now, one year later?

If you notice even small increases in trust (an increase in 1 point or even .5), then your relationship is moving in the right direction. Healing from an affair is a hard process that occurs in small increments.

Point #2:

An affair is an enormous betrayal that can take years to overcome. Do not place an artificial time-line on this process. There is more. This will only add to your frustration & you will begin to think that there is something wrong with you for not trusting rapidly enough.

Point #3:

It is absolutely normal for you to be highly vigilant of your husband’s behavior after such a betrayal. Without even realizing it, you might be continuously scanning for contradictions, inconsistencies or any indication of deceitfulness. Right. While such monitoring can be exhausting, it does not mean you are going crazy. Your hyper-vigilance is an indication that you have been severely injured & are fearful that you’ll be hurt again.

Point #4:

Is your husband being trustworthy? While there’re many reasons why some one becomes unfaithful, it is important to remember that it’s his job to regain your trust. Whether this takes one, five, or fifty years, he needs to prove that he is committed to you & only you… To this end, it’s important that you openly communicate what you need from him in order to re-establish the trust that is so vital to intimacy.

Ask yourself: ‘What do I need from him in order to trust again?’ You may find that you require practical assurances (e.g., seeing his phone log every day, having him call you three times from work) and/or emotional assurances (e.g., having him communicate his feelings more directly, hearing repeated reassurances that he loves you).

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D. is a relationship coach & psychologist. To receive the Relationship Toolbox Newsletter & two free reports on how to strengthen your relationship, visit Rich’s website at http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/