Sometimes, going no contact with your wayward partner is the best approach. No contact means just that; no seeing each other in person, no talking on the phone, email, text, no messages through the children or others, no smoke signals, nothing. This is done for a few reasons but the most significant are for the safety & healing of the betrayed partner as they attempt & regain control of their own lives. In addition, how ever, it seems to also have an effect on the wayward partner, causing them to see things through new eyes or perhaps it helps push them off the fence. There’s nothing more eye opening to a fence-sitter than having one of their options suddenly taken away. There he/she is, perched high up on their fence, studiously observing & comparing both sides, thinking that even though they have a very big decision to make that will affect the rest of their lives, it is really nice that they have so much time to weigh their options & make the correct choice. Well, imagine their surprise :o when suddenly you take away their safety net AND one of their options, all in one fell swoop! Here’s how it works:

First of all, no contact with your wayward partner is not the same as the no contact you expect from your wayward partner & his/her affair partner. That kind of no contact means exactly as it sounds?NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER. This no contact is determined by the betrayed partner. In other words, you get to pick all the terms, ie. when, where, how, & content.

Second, do not tell your wayward partner what your intentions are. This will most likely cause the entire plan to blow up in your face. They did not inform you they were going to cheat on you first, did they? Then put away those feelings of guilt!

The best way to implement this plan is to use caller ID as much as possible.

DO NOT answer their calls 75% of the time. If it does not relate to the children or finances, do not bother calling them back. Now, of course you want the children to have an active, healthy relationship with their other parent, so it is okay if you answer the phone once in a while. It is also okay to have your kids answer the phone directly when it is their other parent calling just make certain you do not let yourself be called to the phone. If you feel like it’s placing the kids in the middle, then by all means MAKE YOURSELF BUSY INTENTIONALLY when you see their name flash across the caller ID. All it should take is a message to the child when they call you to the phone, ‘No, I can not come to the phone right now. Please tell them you have my permission to take a message for me.’ The point is to make yourself unavailable.

Remember, the next time you graciously decide to take their call, DO NOT discuss anything except the children & finances. No feelings should be discussed, especially from the betrayed partner. NONE. NONE. NONE. Got that? But please, by all means be as sweet as you can be. Be kind & caring but impersonal. Give no personal information about yourself. Answer their questions, say what you have to say, & hang up. That’s it… Do not ever cry, beg, or show any negative emotion.

Now it is time to set up a visitation schedule which most people do when separating or divorcing anyway. Try to make it at least one week night & alternate weekends. This also has multiple advantages. First, it gives you time to deal with the curveball you have been thrown. Not many people can face infidelity & not actually be deeply affected. You need time to take care of yourself so make certain you get it… It also gives them a chance to see what their life will soon be. They want a divorce? Well, then, let them experience what it will be like NOW.

But the most significant part about this visitation schedule is this: You MUST make yourself unavailable to your wayward partner & the children during this time. When you do not have your children, do not answer the phone & attempt & not actually be home (or at least lay low so it gives the appearance you are busy). It does not matter if your plans are a trip to Wal-Mart for bug spray & toenail fungus spray. BE GONE AND UNAVAILABLE.

With almost certainty, your wayward partner will notice these changes in you & they begin to wonder & think. They see that you have crawled out of your pit of despair & are now pleasant & happy :) again. They see you being active & social. This makes them wonder what’s up. You’ll most likely begin to get questioned by them as they now are beginning to notice the changes. They might not actually be word for word, but they will most definitely be something similar to these:

How are you?
Where were you?
Who were you with?
What were you doing?

Now, here are the answers you really need to use to make this exercise effective.

How are you? FINE (It’s important to not reciprocate their questions. Act like you do not care.)
Where were you? OUT
Who were you with? NO ONE YOU WOULD KNOW
What were you doing? JUST STUFF. If they persist tell them: STUFF YOU AREN’T INTERESTED IN.

This creates a little mystery & turns the tables on them. Remember to be as nice as you can be when you give these answers. Be vague but truthful. Wal-Mart is out, right? And the cashier probably is some one he would not know, right? See? It may seem like a game but you are not fibbing really. You’re just creating mystery.

Another effective technique to add to the above is to change something about yourself, like hair color or cut, new outfit, paint your nails, wear a new scent, grow a beard, etc.. They will notice in a heartbeat but do not ever point it out yourself. Make them inquire if they want to know. And trust me, they do.

Most of the time, you’ll reach one of two outcomes. Either the marriage will end & you are already that much further down the road to recovery. You’ve distanced yourself enough from them to begin healing & planning for your own future… Or, they will re-evaluate their situation & realize exactly what they’re about to throw away. They get knocked off the fence, so to speak. Regardless of which option they select (and remember that you have options as well) one thing is certain. It will help your own healing process by giving you a much needed boost of self-esteem exactly when you need it… It will often help you pull back & evaluate the situation for what it really is & give you clarity to make the best decision for you… This isn’t a game & it really does work.

If you’re serious about saving your relationship or need some support should you select to divorce & are searching for many more resources to help you, please visit: http://martysmusings12.blogspot.com/ There’re some additional tools to aid you & make life a little less stressful.