corrimony.com

Client: I think the need I have?the reason I am into this on line affair?is freedom. It feels freeing?it feels expanding. You said that could be a need?personal growth & expansion?that’s what it feels like.

Counselor: Okay?let me ask you this?well, let me preface the question with a few questions, easy questions?consider it a game?

Client: Okay

Counselor: What is the opposite of up?

Client: Down

Counselor: What is the opposite of hot?

Client: Cold

Counselor: What is the opposite of freedom?

Client:?umm?prison?being in prison is the opposite of freedom

Counselor: Okay?.what is it about being in prison that makes it the opposite of freedom?

Client:?well?you can not just do whatever you want?you can not eat whenever you want, or go straight to a movie?or talk on the phone?.there’s just so much you can not do?

Counselor: Okay?so the opposite of freedom isn’t being able to do what you want when you want?

Client: Yeah?Is that the right answer?

Counselor: There is no right answer?It’s just that for you the opposite of freedom isn’t having choices to do what you want when you want. These opposites in our life, & just about every concept or emotion has an opposite, helps give definition to the term. Freedom would not actually be quite the same if prison did not exist. But, now let me ask you this?Do you feel, at least in part, that you’re somewhat imprisoned in your engagement to your fianc??

Client: ?ummmm?I do not know?I think in a sense, yeah, maybe. But, that is ok?I mean is not relationships about compromise?

Counselor: Yes?but that compromise is based closely on open & honest dialogue & discussion; it is not based closely on assumptions or solely a desire to not make waves or rock the boat & I get a sense that you may be compromising yourself without having fully explored your thoughts & feelings with your fianc?. And that kind of compromise can make you feel trapped?or imprisoned. Healthy compromise, based closely on good communication, will not make you feel that way. You will feel free because you made the choice to compromise, you were not manipulated into it.

Client: What do you mean manipulated?

Counselor: It seems to me her behavior of withdrawing & not talking to you when she is upset is manipulative?and childish.

Client: Well?.yeah?.umm?.you might be right?.umm?and I do not feel as what I want for us is taken real seriously?It’s about what she wants. And when she does not get what she wants?well?she gets that way.

Counselor: So, what would happen if you sat down with her & told her that you do not want to have children right away?that you want to wait a year or two?

Client: She would get her way?persuasive at first & then withdrawn if I do not give in.

Counselor: But, then things would be ok ?after a while

Client: Yeah, I think so.

Counselor: And what if they didn’t?

Client: Umm?.I do not know?I’d probably apologize to her & say she can have whatever she wants?

Counselor: That’s not compromise?and you would feel imprisoned.

Client: Yeah?I think so. So, what should I do?

Counselor: I am not going to tell you what you should do…But, I’ll ask you this: Are you willing to at least consider having a talk with your fianc? & telling her pretty straightforwardly what you do & do not want in the immediate future with her?

Client: Geez?.ummm?yeah, I suppose so. I have kind of done that?but it ends up the same way?

Counselor: And when she tries to change your mind with her persuasion, would you be willing to not give in, to hold your position?

Client: Ummmmm?I do not know if I can?but, yeah, I can attempt it… I have done it before, I just do not like it?especially the silent treatment.

Counselor: And when she then withdraws into the silent treatment would you be willing to not apologize?to wait for her to come to you?

Client: Ummm?I’ve never done that before?I always end up going to her.

Counselor: Well, there is a first time for everything. It might be difficult?but, it could be an important step for you?and for the relationship.

Client: Yeah?ok?geez?what if she just does not come back at all?

Counselor: Well, what would that say about the relationship?

Client: Ummm?that it is not that good, huh?

Counselor: It would strongly suggest that the two of you really need to communicate better… What if she comes to you after a few weeks & tries to persuade you again?you said she can be quite persuasive??

Client: yeah?I do not know?I think I had give in?again.

Counselor: You mean you would become a little bit imprisoned?

Client: Geez?yeah?I think so?

Counselor: How could you stay freer if that were to happen?

Client: I do not know?hold my ground?

Counselor: Perhaps?you could also ask her if she would be willing to stay & talk more about it?not withdraw?not do the silent treatment.

Client: Hmmm?that’s a good idea?you know, we have really never done that?whenever there is a conflict like this?we do not really talk it through?she just does her thing?and I?eventually?give in.

Counselor: And then you feel a bit imprisoned?and you find yourself having an on line affair where you feel freer.

Client: Hmmmm?yeah?you might be right?hmmm?so, what happens now?

Counselor: You consider having a talk with your fianc??you begin to communicate & you do not apologize for expressing your needs & your wants?you wait for her to complete her silent treatment & come to you & you then again express your desire to talk it through?to come to a mutually satisfying compromise.

Client: ?gee?I do not know?but, yeah?you’re right?I know that?I just do not know how it’ll work out?

Counselor: No, you don’t?and all you can do is put yourself out there?express yourself?express you needs & wants?have a discussion?even argue?a lot if that is what it takes?

Client: She may just withdraw?completely?.

Counselor: And?

Client: And I do not know what I would do?

Counselor: Take a guess?what would you do?

Client:?Umm?Call her up & ask her to talk to me?

Counselor: And what would you want her to say to you?

Client:?Ummmm?that we need to talk this through…that this withdrawing & silent treatment is?.manipulative?and childish?would that work?

Counselor: Well, I suspect that isn’t what she would say?that is what you might say?and you would like her to say that?perhaps because you would like her to take charge, see the problem?and take steps to correct it.

Client:..Yeah?Geez?this is not going to be easy?

Counselor: No…it may not actually be easy?but, it’s important.

Client: yeah?yeah?ok?

Counselor: If she does agree to talk with you?I would recommend that you suggest the two of you go straight to couple’s counseling. It could help the two of you learn how to communicate, negotiate & compromise in a healthy way?I suspect the on line affair is your way of filling the need to not just feel free, but to communicate with some one who engages you… But, you can have that with your fianc? if you work at it.

Client: Yeah?okay?.

Counselor: Okay?At this point I think we are done?I think you have answered the question about why you’re so captivated by the on line affair?I think the on line affair is a way of telling you that there is something amiss in your relationship with your fianc?, & I think you now have an idea of what that something is?and can take steps to fix it.

Client: Yeah?ok?thanks for your help?

Counselor: You’re welcome.

Ken Fields is a nationally certified, licensed mental health counselor. During the past 25 years, he has helped individuals, couples, families & groups address a variety of issues ranging from spiritual malaise to children with autism. He has been a crisis intervention counselor & an administrator at a human service agency. Currently, Mr. Fields gives relationship & career counseling as well as communication coaching on line at http://www.openmindcounseling.com