He called in the late morning asking for an appointment. I told him he could come tomorrow morning. He seemed relieved & said he would be at my office right on time.

I usually do not initiate conversation. I let the client take the first step. He did not disappoint.

Client: I am having a virtual affair.

Counselor: A virtual affair??

Client: Yeah, I met this woman on line & it has turned into a sexual affair.

Counselor: You mean your now seeing her in person & having an affair?

Client: No, we are having a sexual relationship online.

Counselor: Um, I do not want to appear naive or ignorant, but I do not understand?how do you have a sexual affair online?

Client: Well, we talk about?..intercourse; no, actually, we do not talk about it; we describe it, in exacting detail. We paint word pictures of what we would be doing if we were actually together.

Counselor: ?so you’re describing having sexual intercourse with each other?

Client: Right; even though it is more than just intercourse.

Counselor: and?how is it?

Client: Well, that is one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. It is ?exciting. It’s?invigorating. It is great. In some ways it might be the best sex I have had. That’s what I do not get. How come it is so?.captivating?

Counselor: I do not know; but, we can talk about it & find out

Client: Good.

Counselor: Let me ask you this?.you say its captivating & invigorating?can you elaborate on some of the feelings you have while you’re engaged in ?describing intercourse with?your?.online partner?

Client: Well, her username is (redacted)

Counselor: Are you sure she is a she?

Client: Um?yeah, pretty sure.

Counselor: Pretty sure?

Client: Yeah, well, that is one of the things about online?people?you never really know?but, I believe she’s a she.

Counselor: And how would describe in some more detail you feel about these?encounters?

Client: Well, it is very erotic describing our?encounters. I mean, I am really excited, physically, you know, when she undresses me?when she describes undressing me?I find myself breathing more rapidly?sometimes I can hardly focus to type to say things back to her. So, I guess I feel engrossed in it, really pulled into the unfolding of it, excited?

Counselor: How did you meet?

Client: I asked a question on a newsgroup, she replied. I asked her another question & she replied & then we just started talking & then?.one thing led to another?and?geez?we just started playing around?with words?talking about sex. And then we were undressing each other. And then, we were touching each other?I mean describing how we would be touching each other. It was very arousing.

Counselor: Okay. So, one of your questions is about how come this on line affair is so enthralling, so engaging. Are there other concerns?

Client: Well, yeah. Um?I’m engaged?to be married.

Counselor: And, presumably, your fianc? doesn’t know about this.

Client: No.

Counselor: And?..?

Client: And I do not know what to do.

Counselor: About what?

Client: About telling my fianc?.

Counselor: Are you considering telling your fianc??

Client: I do not know.

Counselor: What do you see happening if you do tell her?

Client: Um?.she’d?freak out; she might break off the engagement. OK. She would not understand at all.

Counselor: What would you like her to understand?

Client: Geez?I do not know; I do not understand it myself. That’s why I wanted to talk with you?to help me understand it.

Counselor: Okay; we can talk more about it & work to gain some clarity on it… So, there’s the question about how come its so captivating to you, especially since you are engaged to be married, & there is also the question about telling your fianc? about this ? or not telling her, right?

Client: Yeah; but, there’s one other thing.

Counselor: Okay?and this is??

Client: There’re hints that this virtual affair may be moving to a real affair. We’re talking about meeting in real life.

Counselor: And that is a problem because??

Client: Geez, because I am about to be married, I love my fianc?, I do not want to hurt her & I do not want it to end.

Counselor: Who? Who do not you want to hurt & what do not you want to end?

Client: I do not want to hurt my fianc? & I do not want my engagement to her to end.

Counselor: And do you want the on line affair to end? Do you want to hurt her?

Client: ?No, I don’t. I know I should, but I don’t.

Counselor: What do you see happening if you end the virtual affair?

Client: Um?.I see myself being depressed & missing out on something that is?fun & exciting & kind of beautiful & safe.

Counselor: I hear you saying that you want to continue the virtual affair.

Client: Um?..yea, I do. But, I do not want it to become a real one!

Counselor: What prevents you from stopping it from becoming a real one?

Client: Well, nothing really?except that the on line sex is really great. I know that sounds weird, but it’s?.it’s just very?.erotic?and the thought of it happening in real life is?I do not know?.I just do not know if I could stop it if it started to move in that direction.

Counselor: It sounds like you may need to make that decision either way ? even if it just happens, you decide to let it happen.

Client: Yeah?I’m really confused.

Counselor: Let me ask you this: Where do you see the virtual affair going during the next few weeks, months & years? And, where do you see your engagement with your fianc? going in the next few weeks, months & years? Take a few days to think about that… Okay?

Client: Okay

Counselor: Good, let us set an appointment for next time.

Ken Fields is a nationally certified, licensed mental health counselor. During the past 25 years, he has helped individuals, couples, families & groups address a variety of issues ranging from spiritual malaise to children with autism. He has been a crisis intervention counselor & an administrator at a human service agency. Currently, Mr. Fields gives on line counseling for relationship & career issues & communication coaching. For further information visit http://www.openmindcounseling.com